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a roller coaster of emotion....
yes thats what i am going through now....
hundreds of things flew over my mind....
thinking and interpreting 1 thing after another....
i suddenly feel so sad...
i cant explain how sad i just know that i am....

recently Vernon's mom went through some health condition which makes me think alot
his mom was healthy all the while... but why now....
my mom was the one holding up the family all the time...
working giving us money when we need it...
she was my hero from the day i know how to think...
i can recall how she struggle 1 time after another pulling back up the family ... time after time...
the time when she got married to my dad...
how my dad's business failed and how she struggle to paid the debts for my dad to avoid risks of bankruptcy....
but now my mom is in the verge of the same thing but i cant do a thing...
not to say my dad...
i felt so useless... as the eldest son i cant do even a thing....


her health is not getting any better.....
she has insomnia plus a heavy migraine....
without sleep her migraine is getting worse and worse but what can i do ???
i called back a few days a ago and heard her coughing i ask "you sick" she said nothing its just minor coughs i know she don't want me to get worried but still i am....

when Vernon said he is taking care of his mom that time... i was right here writing a blog....
i cant even fulfill a simple responsibility as a son...

she was always a weakling when it comes to her siblings....
i remember gossiping in front of my mom saying how useless i am...
well that really hurts but it hurt mommy even more she kept quite and shed tear ....
i remember i told mommy not to be afraid i will be someone someday...
but i was there in The Curve celebrating Mindy's birthday....( i admit i did cried in the curve that day) well trying putting yourself in my shoes....


my mom has early menopause due to her health condition when she was young as after giving birth to me... he was expecting another baby...
but in the end she found out it was a tumor in her ovary so she had to operate and had her ovary taken off in one side....(this makes her unable to have anymore babies)
she was sad as she wanted another baby girl... time passes by and miracle happens when she was pregnant with my sister after 9 years ... later on followed by my brother 2 years later....
at that time our financial status was not very good...


although my dad owns his own business but my mom is still working as a land evaluator to evaluate the price of landed property to add more income to the family as she is already pregnant with my sis.... so she didn't look after her body well....
and with the early menopause she has been aging in a tremendous speed .... while working in such a age i felt i am very useless once again.... although her health don't allow it but she will try her best to go to work....
this admires me a lot....
but is her struggle all worth it when i have the thought of stopping my studies ??? i felt ashamed of myself....
i am such a weakling....
but i really fear of loosing someone i care so much....
i am a very loyal person my feelings stay very long...
i cant imagine it if i were to loose anyone i care about....
when i went back last semester break i get to know that her gastric is getting worse...
her migraine never seem to stop ...
her body is aching almost everyday (from standing the whole day)...
her insomnia is getting worse... when i advise her to go for a check up... she answer me if found out something is wrong ... what can we do... no money ... she don't want to wait to die...
sometimes when i see her doze of soundly on the sofa i will begin to cry... i dunno but my heart can feel aches .... as she seems to sleep so soundly like a baby ... she looks so tired ...
so when i heard Vernon mom's condition i cry too... i can't to see motherly son love its my weakness...


my friends keep asking me why am i emo....
the next semester is coming but i have no money...
my mom is sick i cant do a thing...
i quarrel with friends and she disappoint me....
housemate giving me a hard time uncooperative
i was so sad so sad...
and no one is there .... but i am very happy to know a few good Zoo Friends... thank you guys ....
when i was down among my 3 best friend at least 1 was there still to support me


so after thinking all over ....
i have to fight this war no matter what it takes... for the sake of mommy.... i am gonna be that someone and bring my mom to see the world


Luv,
~GiNo

how i hope i can be home now ....
i really miss my mom !!
when i were interviewed by Rein and Jaron for Astro "Jia Yu" about what i want to tell my mom that time !
i really mean what i say !!
i said i would like to tell my mom "I love You"
i never told her before i just text her before once on my 21st birthday...
i dunno why but i find hard to tell her...
but now the crisis i am in i wish can tell her !!
i am so tired of life....
sometimes feel like killing myself better ...
but i tak sampai hati wanna leave my family and friends behind....
well hate it.....
hate it....
well i hopw this downward fall graph will come to an end soon ...


miss so much mommy .... muax....



for those who can see your mom and dad everyday .... don't take things for granted .... tell them that you loved them .... hug them and ...... appreciate them while you have the chance... as theres alot of people dont have the chance to do so ...

Luv,
~GiNo

emo....

i am feeling so frustrated now.... got a call from my mom .... family have a situation ...
why my life is not so ordinary ....
i just want a slow peace and worry less life....
why troubles always come together....
maybe i was born to be someone who suffer.....

Luv,
~GiNo

mommy dearest

well... i dedicate this post for my dearest mommy

leaving home is something that all moms worried about ....
because us the sons and daughters is their life ....
she carried us in her tiny body .... until it grow bigger bigger and bigger
we cant imagine the hardship she have been through the weight the maternity sickness.....
does anyone know how it feels to get frequent muscle cramp ....
does anyone realise the weight they carried is very heavy .....
does anyone realises their backbones aches at times due to the weight they carry.....
does anyone know they cant control their mood swings
well mothers is the most compasionate beings created by god.....

they gave birth to us after a 9-10 months carrying this burden on their body.....
and when they are giving birth to us this little life to earth they have to go through a major pain of life ..... even more painful then the migrain i am having rite now .....
after we were born .... they took after us .... brought us up......
with love and care.... the tears and blood shed for us ....
they pamper .... they feed us and they love us......

and when we grow up we tend to forget ......
the sacrifices they gave for us.....
we tend to treat them badly .....
for every word we said and done will hurt them deep down in their hearts .....
a mothers heart is made of glass especialy when its with us the children....
we got carried away .... our mind and thoughts are different already when we grow up .....
as we will forget the rights and wrong of saying certain words.....
sometimes mother maybe over protecting
but its because they care ..... earn their trust and they will let you be.....
sometimes mother will like to know what exactly youre doin and wants a report like reporting to your girlfriend ..... well its because they are worried......

moms is the greatest thing on earth as last time i didnt know how much my mom love me ....
i always accuse my mom for loving my younger brother more then me ....
well after moving here staying alone ....
having an independent life then only i realise.....
she love me so much ..... i feel so sorry as i never thought of it before.....
i never apreciate the things she have done for me.....
now i know she sacrifice so much is because she love me a lot .....
well telling my mom "i love you" seems hard for me ....
dunno why i feel awkward .... but i will tell her soon .... because i dont wanna regret when its too late.....
well i started this post i realise 1 thing which is i dont even have a piece of my moms pic with me .... what kind of anak am i .... well felt bad.... and miss her alot .....
well people always start to appreciate .....
when they are done
when they are gone
when its too late .....
so tell your mom you love her ....
happy mothers day to all the most wonderful people on earth the mothers.....

Luv,
~GiNo

Realisation

well how should i start this !!!

erm... i would like to talk about what i have been going through lately.....
well past few days ... i have goin through ... what do you call it... erm
realisation .... i have been doin some thinking....
i was extremely moody then .....

well as my close friend they would know this.....
alot of people envy me ... for what ....???
people say i look good, people say i am leaving a happy life, people thought i have no worries, people thought i dont have love problems, people say i am rich, people thought i am this i am that ....
but deep down inside does anyone know that i am not perfect ?? .....
i have alot of worries .... i have a problem which i cant solve just yet
the 1 i love dont even know i love ...
i am living on the edge and nodody know....
i am nothing but an ordinary boy.....

living a life all on my own in KL is not easy !!!!
i have been leaving on just RM300 per month only.... how do i manage it when my room rental is already rm200 so i live on rm100 only !!!!
well thats why i work freelance alot .....
well i am not goin to say anything about money anymore coz it spoil the mood
well the main point i wanna express is my mom once told me "Gino you must sang sang seng seng coz i cannot manage to feed you anymore"

well i kept telling myself i am already 21 going 22 ..... but still i am not able to help to relief the burden of the family ... which make it worse is i am somemore the eldest son of the family.....
well life is not easy on me .... well 1 thing helps me alot ..... a word of wisdom from Quest Net "well if it doesnt kill you, it will only make you stronger"
i think this is so true because from all this challenges i now am stronger ..... spiritualy

2 days ago i was at Ming Tien when my mother called me .....
she told me ....my student bill has arrived at home already ... its rm4K plus....
well she ask me how much has i collected already ????
when i answer her back ....
she ask me .... are u sick you again !!!!
i told her i recover jor .... juz body a little bit heaty thats all....
then she ask me "the other day you fell sick already now sick again ar ???"
i dunno how to answer her... as i know she will be worried about me .....
well she ask why didnt i go to the doctor .... i say must jimat .....

suddenly ...... the phone was quite..... at that time the whole world like stop just like that
i heard a quite sob......
then i know i have hurt her feelings again .... at that time the whole world like stop just like that.....
i ask "why are you crying ??? "
mom tell me ....
"do you know how hopeless am i to stay back here only to here you sick overthere and not be able to even look after you"
"you know how hopeless does it feel to see you sick and not able to be by your side to care for you and to ask you are ok on the next day"

after hearing that ..... uncontiously my eyes started to leak ..... leaking drip and drip of tears....
from that moment i can here alot laughter by the next table
when i turn around i saw all my friends was so happily chatting and joking.....
at that very moment my heart was so sore ....
as i know i cannot go back there as i might spoil the mood
and i dont want them to see me in tears.... and i dont want anyone to symphatise me as i am a very strong person....
this will make them worry also.....
well at that moment as well i thought to myself ....
why am i so weak ..... why am i so useless by not being able to stop her from crying ......
well i am gonna eat more and more to be fat so she wont cry again when she see me.....

to be frank i am afraid of goin back also as i know when my mom saw me .... she will bring me go eat "ho liao" then that way how to jimat .....
so i am afraid ... what should i do ......

i have alot in my mind .....
but i know 1 thing is eventhough i am in KL here living by myself but i am always cared by my clossest friends......(family)
i am so touch by you all ..... when i am down you guys were there...
eventhough you guys werent there to borrow me a shoulder to cry on but....
i really apreciate that and i know is you people that knows me best.....
last but not least is .....

GOD is very fair he created everyone with its strong and weakness

PS: i wrote this not for people to emphatise me but its for me to express out the things that is
supress in my heart coz at least it will make me feel better....

Luv,
~GiNo