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a roller coaster of emotion....
yes thats what i am going through now....
hundreds of things flew over my mind....
thinking and interpreting 1 thing after another....
i suddenly feel so sad...
i cant explain how sad i just know that i am....

recently Vernon's mom went through some health condition which makes me think alot
his mom was healthy all the while... but why now....
my mom was the one holding up the family all the time...
working giving us money when we need it...
she was my hero from the day i know how to think...
i can recall how she struggle 1 time after another pulling back up the family ... time after time...
the time when she got married to my dad...
how my dad's business failed and how she struggle to paid the debts for my dad to avoid risks of bankruptcy....
but now my mom is in the verge of the same thing but i cant do a thing...
not to say my dad...
i felt so useless... as the eldest son i cant do even a thing....


her health is not getting any better.....
she has insomnia plus a heavy migraine....
without sleep her migraine is getting worse and worse but what can i do ???
i called back a few days a ago and heard her coughing i ask "you sick" she said nothing its just minor coughs i know she don't want me to get worried but still i am....

when Vernon said he is taking care of his mom that time... i was right here writing a blog....
i cant even fulfill a simple responsibility as a son...

she was always a weakling when it comes to her siblings....
i remember gossiping in front of my mom saying how useless i am...
well that really hurts but it hurt mommy even more she kept quite and shed tear ....
i remember i told mommy not to be afraid i will be someone someday...
but i was there in The Curve celebrating Mindy's birthday....( i admit i did cried in the curve that day) well trying putting yourself in my shoes....


my mom has early menopause due to her health condition when she was young as after giving birth to me... he was expecting another baby...
but in the end she found out it was a tumor in her ovary so she had to operate and had her ovary taken off in one side....(this makes her unable to have anymore babies)
she was sad as she wanted another baby girl... time passes by and miracle happens when she was pregnant with my sister after 9 years ... later on followed by my brother 2 years later....
at that time our financial status was not very good...


although my dad owns his own business but my mom is still working as a land evaluator to evaluate the price of landed property to add more income to the family as she is already pregnant with my sis.... so she didn't look after her body well....
and with the early menopause she has been aging in a tremendous speed .... while working in such a age i felt i am very useless once again.... although her health don't allow it but she will try her best to go to work....
this admires me a lot....
but is her struggle all worth it when i have the thought of stopping my studies ??? i felt ashamed of myself....
i am such a weakling....
but i really fear of loosing someone i care so much....
i am a very loyal person my feelings stay very long...
i cant imagine it if i were to loose anyone i care about....
when i went back last semester break i get to know that her gastric is getting worse...
her migraine never seem to stop ...
her body is aching almost everyday (from standing the whole day)...
her insomnia is getting worse... when i advise her to go for a check up... she answer me if found out something is wrong ... what can we do... no money ... she don't want to wait to die...
sometimes when i see her doze of soundly on the sofa i will begin to cry... i dunno but my heart can feel aches .... as she seems to sleep so soundly like a baby ... she looks so tired ...
so when i heard Vernon mom's condition i cry too... i can't to see motherly son love its my weakness...


my friends keep asking me why am i emo....
the next semester is coming but i have no money...
my mom is sick i cant do a thing...
i quarrel with friends and she disappoint me....
housemate giving me a hard time uncooperative
i was so sad so sad...
and no one is there .... but i am very happy to know a few good Zoo Friends... thank you guys ....
when i was down among my 3 best friend at least 1 was there still to support me


so after thinking all over ....
i have to fight this war no matter what it takes... for the sake of mommy.... i am gonna be that someone and bring my mom to see the world


Luv,
~GiNo